To Understand and Be Understood
Most people seek neither to understand or to be understood. They much prefer simple assertion and agreement. Rationality and objectivity are skills that need to be learned and scrupulously practiced.
A 6000 word article.
In order to communicate effectively, we must commit to understanding reality as it is; must keep in mind the full context of our interactions; must combine our words with actions; and must learn to speak for ourselves.
This article approaches interpersonal communication from an objective point of view, applying the principles of critical thinking to a crucial area of our lives. While there is no “magic bullet” for achieving effective communication, the principles and techniques discussed here will increase the likelihood of success as we attempt to convey our deepest thoughts and emotions to those closest to us.
(I originated the concept of “The Integrative Perspective” that forms the basis for this work.)
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N.B.: The examples used in this article are real. The names have been changed.
While 90% of adults in this country will marry at least once, nearly half of those first-time marriages will end in divorce. Even many of those couples who do remain together will find their relationships becoming less rather than more special as the years roll by:
For Meredith and Bret, marital bliss began to evaporate barely six months after their honeymoon. Bret found more and more excuses to stay away at night. Meredith wanted to discuss the widening rift between them but could not convince Bret of the need for action.
Parents and their children complain that neither side truly understands what the other is experiencing in today’s world. For many families, the “generation gap” continues alive and well...and unwelcomed:
Allison thought her mother, Sally, was old-fashioned and wanted only to control her life with advice on classes and boyfriends. Sally thought Allison rebellious, impervious to reason, and embarked upon a dangerous path. Immediately after high school graduation, Allison moved to another state to live with her boyfriend.
Large numbers of people endure tension-filled workplaces. They never know when some innocently intended comment of theirs will ignite a firestorm of anger or resentment. Their attempts to deal with the situation often seem to make matters worse rather than better:
As a nurse, Ellen merely wanted to explain that she believed her supervisor, Ruth, had neglected something when she told Ellen to give a certain medicine to a patient. Ruth, however, bristled angrily, accused Ellen of being insubordinate, and threatened to place a written reprimand in her personnel file.
If you have ever tried communicating with a spouse, child, friend, or co-worker and left that interaction feeling frustrated, angry, or confused, then you have something in common with the rest of us. The process of sharing ideas, thoughts, desires, and experiences between two people can be fraught with difficulties. Hidden shoals often sink our best attempts to understand and to be understood.
While the words and actions we use to communicate are, at best, imperfect tools, principles and techniques exist which we can use to improve the likelihood that the messages we send and receive do, in fact, accurately reflect what was intended. These guidelines are not foolproof—anyone who suggests that a magic bullet exists to guarantee success in communication is missing the mark—but awareness and practice of these ideas will increase the probability that you can strengthen not only your communication skills but your relationships, as well. As with any significant value, achieving this goal requires diligent effort sustained over a period of time. The positive results, however, can be well worth the investment.
At its most fundamental, communication requires a common frame of reference. Minimally, this means that two people need to share the same language. In the verbal realm, little understanding will result if one individual chatters away in Russian while the other speaks only English. Even nonverbal cues should signify the same things if miscommunication is to be avoided. For example, the “O.K.” sign of thumb to index finger used in the United States has an insulting sexual meaning in many other countries.
Among its multiple goals, the primary purpose of communication is to make other people aware of something inside of you. Since many factors can interfere with achieving this end, an effective communicator should be aware of possible pitfalls and how to avoid or deal with them should they occur.
When you seek to convey your experience or to share someone else’s, there are two principles you should keep uppermost in mind:
1. Don’t automatically assume you understand what someone else is telling you.
2. Don’t automatically assume someone else understands what you’re telling them.
This may seem like obvious advice. Yet reflect on your day-to-day interactions with other people, especially those you know well. Have you ever seen a frown on someone’s face and concluded without further investigation that the person was angry? Yet a frown can signal puzzlement, unhappiness, depression, or simple thoughtfulness. A possible or plausible answer does not always equal the correct one. If you do, in fact, desire to improve a relationship, you need to know when crossed signals are most likely to happen between you and your partner and how you can ensure that your message reaches its target intact.
This article approaches the often formidable task of dealing with the two principles listed above and with the problem of achieving a truly common frame of reference by appealing to the idea of the Integrative Perspective.
A person with a highly Integrative Perspective or approach is someone who takes into consideration as many relevant present, past, and future factors as possible and necessary in deciding what action to take in any given situation. These factors include your own perspective, that of your partner and other people, as well as facts about the environment in which you operate. The more accurately you identify this information about your inner and outer worlds and the more fully you can integrate it into a consistent, noncontradictory whole, the more likely you will be to succeed in your attempts to communicate.
The skills required for an Integrative Perspective are not necessarily easy to obtain let alone to practice. Using reason and logic, operating on a level of full awareness, being willing to acknowledge even unpleasant truths, and accepting the responsibility for your role in the communication process require effort to start and to continue. Obtaining knowledge and using it properly is not automatic. As with any skill, however, the techniques discussed here can be developed to the point where they become nearly second-nature to you.
As mentioned earlier, difficulties in communication may occur when you are not properly aware of something happening inside you, in your relationship, or in the world around you. For example, failure to be aware of or understand the sources of your own emotions may result in an improper communication choice: you yell angrily at your children when you are actually afraid of your boss and the fact that you may lose your job. Or you may be unaware of or fail to state the perceptual evidence for the interpretations you make about your partner: you ask your husband why he’s depressed and he snaps at you for “getting on his case.” You can more easily convey your concern for his welfare by providing the information you used to reach your conclusion: his slumped posture, furrowed brow, and the flat tones of his words.
Inaccurate interpretations of verbal and nonverbal behaviors represent a major difficulty in preserving a successful and happy relationship. These faulty identifications can lead to conflict, jealousy, and relational distress. Creating and maintaining intimacy requires a proper meshing of the literal meanings of the words we use during communication with the underlying motivations prompting our messages. When communication becomes a defense against the truth rather than a means to achieve an understanding consistent with reality, problems arising from mis-identification of the facts are inevitable.
Practicing four major techniques will increase the chances that you can and will avoid unwarranted assumptions about the success of your attempts to understand and to be understood:
1. Maintain a commitment to reality.
2. Keep in mind the context of your interaction.
3. Combine words with actions.
4. Speak for yourself.
First of all, as a successful communicator, you should hold a reality orientation, a commitment to discover, understand, and act in accordance with the way the world is. If the main purpose of communication is to share with another person something inside of us, that communication must have its foundation in reality...the reality of what you believe, if nothing else. Otherwise you are attempting to share a fantasy. If your partner should respond favorably to what she thinks exists but does not, you risk the dis-integration of your relationship when the true you eventually does emerge.
Wishing on a star may work in fairy tales but it’s a prescription for disaster in real life. Wishful thinking and self-delusion will only lead you to take actions you should not or to avoid performing those you should. Seeking to act in accordance with reality means being able to accept what can’t be changed in your life while being willing to try to change those aspects that are open to alteration.
Awareness and acceptance of “what is”—both the positive and the negative— means refusing to deny the reality of your self, your partner, or any other fact about the world. You don’t have to like what you see, but it’s impossible for you to change what you don’t believe exists. Unfortunately, what you don’t know can hurt you:
When Traci married Chuck, she knew her parents disapproved. Traci was a college graduate, but Chuck never even finished high school. He had difficulty holding a steady job, drank too much, and had a violent temper. None of this bothered Traci. She believed that with her guidance, Chuck would straighten himself out. Her dream of a family, a nice home, and a close, sharing relationship sustained her through all the negative comments of her friends and relatives.
After the marriage, Chuck took a high school equivalency course at Traci’s urging. After a few months, he quietly dropped the class. He accepted a good job with a national manufacturing company but soon expressed more interest in hunting, fishing, and drinking than in working. Convinced that Chuck still felt unloved after an unhappy childhood, Traci tried even harder to reach Chuck and guide him in a direction that would enable him to “find himself.”
Hoping to increase Chuck’s commitment, Traci had a son. For awhile, Chuck remained closer to home and did his nine-to-five. When Chuck began to demonstrate less and less interest in sex, Traci wondered what was wrong with her. Discussions escalated into arguments and arguments into broken furniture and spilled tears.
Becoming more and more desperate, Traci pleaded with Chuck to tell her how they had gotten off-track and how they could improve things. When Chuck ended up in the hospital with back problems, Traci sent him a letter spelling out her concerns. In that letter, she suggested that if things did not change, perhaps they would have to consider getting a divorce. She intended to shock Chuck out of his complacency.
Traci was the one shocked when Chuck agreed that divorce offered the best solution for their problems. After going their separate ways, Chuck married twice more and continued to exhibit the same patterns of behavior.
Throughout their marriage, Traci refused to accept the reality of Chuck’s behavior as irresponsible and thoughtless. She never opened her eyes to the evidence of Chuck’s multiple affairs, to the fact that he had no intention of making fundamental changes in himself, and that his efforts at classes and jobs were window-dressing to keep her happy while she supported him.
Even worse than her rationalizations, distortions, and evasions concerning her husband and his behaviors were Traci’s denials of her own shortcomings and her role in trying to maintain a disastrous relationship. Unable to acknowledge even to herself her anger and hatred of a man to whom she had pledged undying love, Traci remained blind to her own desperate need for a relationship to complete what she saw as an inadequate self undeserving of happiness. Twisting her motivations to hide her willing role as victim, her repression and suppression of the facts about herself and Chuck ensured that she would understand neither her own mind nor that of the man with whom she had planned to spend a lifetime.
Lying to yourself or to others in order to gain a supposed value will eventually—as for Traci—lead to the loss of the very goal you desire. Not only did Traci fail to see the reality of her situation for years, she did not even want to see it. To recognize the truth was to lose the veil of illusion that alone made possible her relationship with Chuck.
Many people avoid confronting reality due to fears of being judged by others or—even more frightening—by themselves. Some fear to acknowledge ambivalent feelings about the people they love because it may lead to unpleasant consequences as it did for Traci. Yet none of us is perfect...including our partners. There will always be some behaviors and personality traits in ourselves and others we like and some we don’t. Accepting that fact will keep us from losing touch with reality. Whether that acceptance leads to a quicker break-up of a bad relationship or to the strengthening of a valuable one, it remains a fact that you can’t change what you don’t believe exists.
Hand-in-hand with the Integrative Perspective and its commitment to being aware and accepting of reality comes an equal commitment to keeping in mind the full context of the situation in which you find yourself. In essence, this means not reaching a conclusion before all the facts are in. The trick comes in knowing when you are in possession of sufficient facts to have confidence in your judgments and the behaviors you perform based on those decisions.
Simply keeping in awareness what you do know is often a formidable undertaking. We are neither omniscient nor infallible. Even with the best of intentions, we forget things or fail to make connections between facts we have learned. Such errors may lead us to take actions that will hurt rather than help us in our interactions with other people. Unlike with the production of a movie, there is no director to yell “Cut!” when you make a mistake and no second or fifth or twentieth take to ensure you get it right. Something once said cannot be unsaid. It becomes a fact of reality that must be dealt with. Telling a loved one you hate him because he apparently forgot your birthday may satisfy an impulse of the moment, but the impact will unlikely be worth the repercussions of such harsh words...especially when he silently gives you the present he’d been saving “as a surprise.”
One advantage of communicating with other people is that it brings together a wider range of perspectives, interpretations, and facts than any one person can hold. Like the proverb about the blind men and the elephant, by themselves people may reach false conclusions based on the limited information available to them. One thing that proverb fails to illustrate, however, is that by integrating all those different perspectives on the anatomy of an unknown animal, those investigators could have reconciled discrepancies, gained missing facts, and eventually achieved a fairly accurate idea of what an elephant really is...and in much less time and probably more fully than any of them could have done separately.
A person with an Integrative Perspective will be aware of the dangers of hasty over-generalizations. This principle is perhaps more obvious when dealing with groups of people. Stereotypes of race, sex, or nationality arise when someone takes the actions of a single individual and projects them onto a whole group. Yet just as women are not “always” overly emotional nor men “never” thoughtful, so too, your partner is not “always” inconsiderate nor “never” on time. None of us is a monolith. Sometimes we are cheerful, sometimes we are depressed. Individuals do not lose their diversity or complexity by being considered singly rather than en masse.
A good communicator tries to be aware of when others may be experiencing a bad time and attempts to make allowances for stress and how it can affect behavior. Someone who has lost her job, is sick, and facing an uncertain future can be expected to be less patient, more irritable, and more unhappy than she might otherwise be. You can help maintain the integrity of your friendship by taking such facts into account and compensating for your friend’s sharp, bitter words by exhibiting more tolerance than you might at another time.
Yet even during the course of an ordinary day, a friend or spouse may do things you do not understand. Seeing a husband who uncharacteristically slams his briefcase down on the dining room table, barely grunts an hello, and locks himself in the study, a wife may believe he’s angry with her. She could pretend that nothing is amiss and continue her routine as best she can. Or she might shrilly pound on the door and demand that he never act that way in her presence. Or...she could ask him if she did something he is upset about.
In trying to understand the message someone is sending you, often the best course you can follow is simply to ask him directly what he is trying to tell you. Even if he is not quite certain himself what is going on in his head or even if he is sending you mixed messages, you have at least consulted the most obvious expert on your husband’s inner world...himself.
In any relationship and especially in long-term ones, you should begin by being aware of and acknowledging what is happening in the present. Is your husband shouting? Avoiding eye contact? Do you think he is angry or scared? Is your own pulse racing? Do you feel anger or fear or sympathy? Do you want to hit him or hug him?
But your awareness should not stop with the present. Ask yourself how the other person’s behaviors—and your own!—fit in with the pattern you have observed in the past. Is his anger typical? Rare? Totally new? If you have the chance, pause even a moment longer and ask yourself how what you are about to say or do will affect your future interactions. Will calling your husband an “inconsiderate jerk” improve or hinder the rest of your conversation? Your next encounter with him?
To increase the likelihood of making correct communication (or other) choices, you need to avoid tunnel vision. Obtaining complete and relevant information refers not only to the environment around you but to your own thoughts, feelings, wants, and actions. Where are they coming from? Where might they be leading you? Recognizing the foundations of your beliefs and behaviors can increase your self-confidence. When you are aware of what you truly want, you will have a more reliable guide to what actions you should take.
By keeping in mind the context of the situation and your relationship, you will be less likely to act impulsively under the stress of temporary situational factors such as fights, emotional pain, or fear. You will be able to see that such problems are of little importance given the entire history of the relationship. If you can resist the pressure of immediate problems when deciding how to respond to a particular issue, you can avoid defining your partner by any one thing she says or does. By not over-reacting to any specific conflicts and difficulties and then concluding that a generally good relationship should be ended, you can recognize the essential value of your partner and relationship despite your present anger or upset. If you do not feel that the relationship is constantly on the line, you can gain tolerance for the undesirable things your partner does and for any negative feelings you may feel towards him. During times of stress, it is far too easy to lose sight of the fact that you do love your partner. That is the one context you never want to forget.
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